Elvis Has Left The Building

Hmmmm…. when you have a hobby like photography or writing, you can either choose to capture something as it’s occurring or jump in and be part of the event. Not both at the same instant. That isn’t to say that photography or writing aren’t worth my time, but rather there are many experiences that aren’t fully appreciated if you’re sitting back and thinking about them as they unfold. In order to take part and report it usefully you have to see it from outside, after the fact, objectively. That can be a pretty dry and consuming process. What I’m saying is, sometimes it’s work!

Anyway, I’ve been living life pretty good, and hard, and savoring as many moments as I can. They come but once. So let me try to recapture the zeitgeist of my past blog year – put you in my shoes – by snipping together things I’ve said during some memorable moment or other and, for fun, rearranging them in a way that sporadically creates a narrative where there really might never have been one. As I said when I started this blog, I’m writing to exercise, or exorcise, my creative impulse and sometimes to make a point or present an opinion for debate. And I reserve the right to tamper with timelines to move the narrative along. That’s my idea of fun. If you’re entertained, that’s good too. Ha. Ha. Ha. 🙂

Hi, I’m Steve!
Holy sh*t, did you see that?!?!
Dude, that was awesome!
This band is flooring me!
[Slurred ] This is the BEST whisky sour I ever had!
Dude, I’m tapped out, buy me a beer.
YOU are so freaking hot and I just wanted to tell ya… [blink, blink] um, so how long have you lived in the city?
This place is so loud I can’t hear myself think!
I love Brooklyn!
I hate Brooklyn!
I like Park Slope!
You live on 4th and WHAT?
Is that still in America?
This place is practically on the dark side of the moon.
No, I’m not there often but I could be just for you.
Okay, just this once.
That was pretty fast.
Magic Hat number 8 is really tasty!
[To one of my fave bartenders] Don’t let me order Magic Hat again – it gives me a nasty hangover!
Blue Point Toasted Lager is really tasty!
[To a friend] Don’t let me order Blue Point again – that sh*t gives me a headache!
Where’d xxxxxx go?
I’m getting bored.
I’m not waiting around here all night.
Holy crap!
It’s 3 am, why am I not IN the bar!
Your friends are into some stuff I don’t want around me.
Yeah, cool, we’ll hook up next week.
Dude, she was walking like a newborn deer in high heels…
I’m surprised a car didn’t hit her!
This is the BEST pizza I ever had!
[Internal monologue – This chick is PERFECTLY toned… I can’t for the life of me figure out why she’s giving me such a hard time!]
I have to pay a cover – you’re kidding right – in the Lower East Side? – I ain’t going in!
If they’ve got a velvet rope, I ain’t going!
This dude was so freaking awesome it was performance art!
Yeah, I get they’re an 80s homage band and they play incredibly well… but I can tell they didn’t live it.
This guy really sucks, it’s like a Thursday night in here.
Some of the best acts I’ve ever heard were on Thursdays!
Some bars use a whisky sour mix that gives me heartburn.
[I said this one night, I sh*t you not, to a super cool chick I’d just met] I have excema and dandruff did I get some on you…?
Well, I think his name has a nice sound to it… we could call him Yeaiaeaiarrrrmo for short!!
I don’t call it the shore.
I love the beach!
That’s NEW Jersey.
Why is it so far?
This pizza is Elio’s-esque?!
Oh, you’re from Kansas, cool!
Oh, you’re from Michigan, cool!
Oh, you’re from Ohio, cool!
Cali, really?!
I’ve never been here before!!
He got handsy with me and we stopped talking.
She has a beautiful voice!
This is the BEST hamburger I EVER had!
We could’ve just split one!
What’d you say happens when you’ve been out in the sun too long?
[Internal monologue – This lady does not look like the photo, this lady does not look like the photo, this lady does not look like the photo] Oh, hi, I’m Steve!!!! [aw crap].
The falafel place is closed?
You owe me a $3.50 falafel sandwich and a beer.
No, I’m not a musician [but the reason you asked me is because YOU are and I’m supposed to ask you back so you can say, “Yes!” and tell me all about it – why don’t you just say so in the first place?]
You do WHAT to your hair?
Oh, I thought it was naturally like that!
[Via text -Somebody call the police! My fave song is being murdered!]
Yeah, she sucks.
Yeah, he sucks but the keyboard work and sequencing was pretty neat.
Yeah, the dude’s good but the show’s not kosher – too much ham.
Oh my god, his ego is SO out of control!
That’s kinda harsh.
Dude, that’s the BEST idea I ever heard!
I LOVE foosball!
This is the BEST sangria I ever had!
Dude, these comics are killing me!!!
Yo… he’s making fun of my hair!
I don’t get why you think he’s such a great guy.
Yeah, he’s completely full of sh*t.
Hey man, how’s it going!
This guy makes the BEST caipirinhas and mojitos PERIOD!
You STOPPED drinking?!
Holy crap she’s awesome!!
Screw that… let’s go to the falafel place, you can eat like a king for like $5!!
Ya know, babe, this is the most I ever spent here… but you ordered half the freakin’ menu… don’t you eat at home?!?!
Hey, nice tramp stamp… designed it yourself… er, that’s cool.
[Internal monologue – I’ll just invite myself up to use the bathroom before hittin’ the road – I’m so freaking clever!!!] Well, um, thanks for a good night… don’t let the door hit me on the what now?
Why are we pretending I’m not here?
Dude this is the BEST cabernet ever!
[Internal monologue – Wow! She’s so pretty I can’t believe she’s talking to me – she just stopped talking!! Say something! Say something!… Oh, you idiot!!]
Wow, this Korean food is great!
I REALLY like her and this is REALLY going to work out!
I thought this would be longer…
No I’ve never been there before.
Well last summer I traveled from my apartment to work a lot but you went to Paris – that’s cool.
[On the cell phone] Yo, I thought I’d drop you a line… oh? Can’t talk right now ‘cause you’re in Paris?!
That’s how you roll?
Yeah I wasn’t sure what was going on with you guys…
He’s a dead weight.
She’s perfect but she has these problems…
I can’t keep talking to myself…
Hi, I’m Steve!
I’m supposed to use HALL’S to do what now? …Awesome.
Isn’t it cute that I get lost all the time?
Cling wrap… wow, that’s classic!!!
When you love somebody it’s not supposed to be so damn complicated, you just say I love you and you mean it.
I love you.
I’m going to kiss you now.
That’s a weird way to end a date…
She’s flaky.
Dude, no, YOU rock!
I kept turning it down because we were having a conversation.
Why WOULDN’T I have a condom in my pocket?
She was surprised I asked.
That didn’t go so well.
There’s nothing wrong with the radio.
Oh my god I can’t believe how good this band is!
Geez, is she hot!
I dunno, she doesn’t do it for me.
I have to buy a CD!
Can you write, “to my future husband Steve” on it?
Yeah, it took me a while to get over her.
Yeah, it just wasn’t working.
This is giving me an anxiety attack.
I think she played me.
Dude, I’ve been bumming for a few weeks.
I guess we were both lonely…
It was a force fit.
Well I didn’t know I was boring you with it!
Orphans stick together!!
Yes, with Scarface playing on it… continuously!
Wow, this place is pretty cool!
[Internal monologue – wow, this looks like where I lived when both my cars got broken into and my ex-wife got mugged… I am sh*t scared.]
What kind of films do you make?
Is your movie online somewhere I can see it?
Yeah, this was a pretty bad night out for a date.
It’s just a hobby…
So, EVERYBODY here is a lesbian… that’s not helpful.
Ya know the French expression for an orgasm translates into, the little death…
NO, I didn’t realize!
It’s always great to see you.
You’re elusive.
Yeah, she’s sketchy. Who the hell turns in at 9pm on a Saturday night in NYC?!
Yeah, there’s something going on there.
I’m not really comfortable with that.
What do you do for fun?
No, I mean really.
Why am I here?
Why are we here?
Yes, I AM!
I was coming down with a stomach virus and getting light-headed!
Nah, this New Year’s I’m staying in, I need a break.
Jameson on the rocks, please!
Did I start this conversation… I don’t remember…
Somebody asked me how we’d met and I couldn’t for the life of me recall…
I’m glad I met you.
I love you, too.


Blog Props – Fraudulent Living

In the course of internet questing you can be doggedly looking for one thing and find something completely different and with a value you can’t ignore.

This blog, “Fraudulent Living” http://fraudulentliving.blogspot.com/ is such a thing.

It was begun in December 2008 judging from the archive depth.

The site header:

Your life is an exercise in balance. How close to rock-bottom can you hover without ever actually getting there? This is a question you strive to answer every day as you make your way clumsily through life. It’s a question that underlines all the decisions you make, both big and small, from who to date to how to manage your meager finances to what poisonous substances to consume. It’s what keeps you up at night and what feeds your generalized anxiety disorder as well as your myriad, troubling addictions. This question is really the ultimate goal of your whole life.

Lucky for you, Fraudulent Living is here to show you the way. The true way. The way of the neurotic, self-obsessed, success-avoiding loser. It’s time to quit pussyfooting around and do this for real.

That’s right, “pussyfooting.”

Welcome to Fraudulent Living.

The tone is consistently dark and acerbic, to an unreal degree, and although the content may not be for everyone I think it’s well executed.  Without checking for the author’s alias I would never have been able to discern the posts were written by more than one person.  In fact there are two ciphers, Flife and Elrian.  Naught else is revealed.  Mysterious.

From “Birthdays” http://fraudulentliving.blogspot.com/2009/04/birthdays.html

Once a year you’ll have to deal with your birthday. You don’t hate your birthday because it marks a year of getting older and, therefore, closer to death. No. You hate your birthday because everyone you know gets weird around you that day and tries to give you things. Since receiving a gift is on the same anxiety level for you as receiving blood test results, your birthday should be something you dread, mentally avoid and, ultimately, start lying to people about.

From “Regret” http://fraudulentliving.blogspot.com/2009/03/regret.html

Of course, romantic relationships are the easiest and best places to overflow your life with regret. Let’s say you meet someone online; make sure you openly profess your admiration and love before ever meeting them for real. Then, when you meet them in person and equate the experience with double-ended food poisoning, think back to the ridiculously glowing emails you sent and regret every action that led to your parents meeting, getting married, and deciding not to abort you. Essentially, you should regret getting into relationships, continuing relationships, and then getting out of relationships. And then, later, getting back into the relationships you already got out of once.

Unique.  What’s not to love!  Check it out.  🙂

Why This Blog: Gimme Fiction

As an append to the “Why This Blog” post:

I reserve the right to use creative license anywhere I feel like throughout this site. The purpose is entertainment. Obviously it’s easier to write it from the point of view of a character I already know, which would be me, but Steve in real life and Steve in print are subtly different. As an example, one of them is a character that will never die so long as this domain is maintained. The other is a character who’s trying to write about a character. “I’m just a dude, playing a dude, who thinks he’s another dude” seems an appropriate quote from Robert Downey, Jr. via Tropic Thunder.

I don’t think anyone wants me to write about writing. I’m relatively ignorant on the subject from a formal point of view. Besides, I want to enjoy this journey too! Not pull it apart and analyze it like one of those old comedians who gets so very serious when they’re talking about comedy. Yes, creativity does take effort, but that’s not the part I want recognized. It’s all about the end result, baby. 🙂