Elvis Has Left The Building

Hmmmm…. when you have a hobby like photography or writing, you can either choose to capture something as it’s occurring or jump in and be part of the event. Not both at the same instant. That isn’t to say that photography or writing aren’t worth my time, but rather there are many experiences that aren’t fully appreciated if you’re sitting back and thinking about them as they unfold. In order to take part and report it usefully you have to see it from outside, after the fact, objectively. That can be a pretty dry and consuming process. What I’m saying is, sometimes it’s work!

Anyway, I’ve been living life pretty good, and hard, and savoring as many moments as I can. They come but once. So let me try to recapture the zeitgeist of my past blog year – put you in my shoes – by snipping together things I’ve said during some memorable moment or other and, for fun, rearranging them in a way that sporadically creates a narrative where there really might never have been one. As I said when I started this blog, I’m writing to exercise, or exorcise, my creative impulse and sometimes to make a point or present an opinion for debate. And I reserve the right to tamper with timelines to move the narrative along. That’s my idea of fun. If you’re entertained, that’s good too. Ha. Ha. Ha. 🙂

Hi, I’m Steve!
Holy sh*t, did you see that?!?!
Dude, that was awesome!
This band is flooring me!
[Slurred ] This is the BEST whisky sour I ever had!
Dude, I’m tapped out, buy me a beer.
YOU are so freaking hot and I just wanted to tell ya… [blink, blink] um, so how long have you lived in the city?
This place is so loud I can’t hear myself think!
I love Brooklyn!
I hate Brooklyn!
I like Park Slope!
You live on 4th and WHAT?
Is that still in America?
This place is practically on the dark side of the moon.
No, I’m not there often but I could be just for you.
Okay, just this once.
That was pretty fast.
Magic Hat number 8 is really tasty!
[To one of my fave bartenders] Don’t let me order Magic Hat again – it gives me a nasty hangover!
Blue Point Toasted Lager is really tasty!
[To a friend] Don’t let me order Blue Point again – that sh*t gives me a headache!
Where’d xxxxxx go?
I’m getting bored.
I’m not waiting around here all night.
Holy crap!
It’s 3 am, why am I not IN the bar!
Your friends are into some stuff I don’t want around me.
Yeah, cool, we’ll hook up next week.
Dude, she was walking like a newborn deer in high heels…
I’m surprised a car didn’t hit her!
This is the BEST pizza I ever had!
[Internal monologue – This chick is PERFECTLY toned… I can’t for the life of me figure out why she’s giving me such a hard time!]
I have to pay a cover – you’re kidding right – in the Lower East Side? – I ain’t going in!
If they’ve got a velvet rope, I ain’t going!
This dude was so freaking awesome it was performance art!
Yeah, I get they’re an 80s homage band and they play incredibly well… but I can tell they didn’t live it.
This guy really sucks, it’s like a Thursday night in here.
Some of the best acts I’ve ever heard were on Thursdays!
Some bars use a whisky sour mix that gives me heartburn.
[I said this one night, I sh*t you not, to a super cool chick I’d just met] I have excema and dandruff did I get some on you…?
Well, I think his name has a nice sound to it… we could call him Yeaiaeaiarrrrmo for short!!
I don’t call it the shore.
I love the beach!
That’s NEW Jersey.
Why is it so far?
This pizza is Elio’s-esque?!
Oh, you’re from Kansas, cool!
Oh, you’re from Michigan, cool!
Oh, you’re from Ohio, cool!
Cali, really?!
I’ve never been here before!!
He got handsy with me and we stopped talking.
She has a beautiful voice!
This is the BEST hamburger I EVER had!
We could’ve just split one!
What’d you say happens when you’ve been out in the sun too long?
[Internal monologue – This lady does not look like the photo, this lady does not look like the photo, this lady does not look like the photo] Oh, hi, I’m Steve!!!! [aw crap].
The falafel place is closed?
You owe me a $3.50 falafel sandwich and a beer.
No, I’m not a musician [but the reason you asked me is because YOU are and I’m supposed to ask you back so you can say, “Yes!” and tell me all about it – why don’t you just say so in the first place?]
You do WHAT to your hair?
Oh, I thought it was naturally like that!
[Via text -Somebody call the police! My fave song is being murdered!]
Yeah, she sucks.
Yeah, he sucks but the keyboard work and sequencing was pretty neat.
Yeah, the dude’s good but the show’s not kosher – too much ham.
Oh my god, his ego is SO out of control!
That’s kinda harsh.
Dude, that’s the BEST idea I ever heard!
I LOVE foosball!
This is the BEST sangria I ever had!
Dude, these comics are killing me!!!
Yo… he’s making fun of my hair!
I don’t get why you think he’s such a great guy.
Yeah, he’s completely full of sh*t.
Hey man, how’s it going!
This guy makes the BEST caipirinhas and mojitos PERIOD!
You STOPPED drinking?!
Holy crap she’s awesome!!
Screw that… let’s go to the falafel place, you can eat like a king for like $5!!
Ya know, babe, this is the most I ever spent here… but you ordered half the freakin’ menu… don’t you eat at home?!?!
Hey, nice tramp stamp… designed it yourself… er, that’s cool.
[Internal monologue – I’ll just invite myself up to use the bathroom before hittin’ the road – I’m so freaking clever!!!] Well, um, thanks for a good night… don’t let the door hit me on the what now?
Why are we pretending I’m not here?
Dude this is the BEST cabernet ever!
[Internal monologue – Wow! She’s so pretty I can’t believe she’s talking to me – she just stopped talking!! Say something! Say something!… Oh, you idiot!!]
Wow, this Korean food is great!
I REALLY like her and this is REALLY going to work out!
I thought this would be longer…
No I’ve never been there before.
Well last summer I traveled from my apartment to work a lot but you went to Paris – that’s cool.
[On the cell phone] Yo, I thought I’d drop you a line… oh? Can’t talk right now ‘cause you’re in Paris?!
That’s how you roll?
Yeah I wasn’t sure what was going on with you guys…
He’s a dead weight.
She’s perfect but she has these problems…
I can’t keep talking to myself…
Hi, I’m Steve!
I’m supposed to use HALL’S to do what now? …Awesome.
Isn’t it cute that I get lost all the time?
Cling wrap… wow, that’s classic!!!
When you love somebody it’s not supposed to be so damn complicated, you just say I love you and you mean it.
I love you.
I’m going to kiss you now.
That’s a weird way to end a date…
She’s flaky.
Dude, no, YOU rock!
I kept turning it down because we were having a conversation.
Why WOULDN’T I have a condom in my pocket?
She was surprised I asked.
That didn’t go so well.
There’s nothing wrong with the radio.
Oh my god I can’t believe how good this band is!
Geez, is she hot!
I dunno, she doesn’t do it for me.
I have to buy a CD!
Can you write, “to my future husband Steve” on it?
Yeah, it took me a while to get over her.
Yeah, it just wasn’t working.
This is giving me an anxiety attack.
I think she played me.
Dude, I’ve been bumming for a few weeks.
I guess we were both lonely…
It was a force fit.
Well I didn’t know I was boring you with it!
Orphans stick together!!
Yes, with Scarface playing on it… continuously!
Wow, this place is pretty cool!
[Internal monologue – wow, this looks like where I lived when both my cars got broken into and my ex-wife got mugged… I am sh*t scared.]
What kind of films do you make?
Is your movie online somewhere I can see it?
Yeah, this was a pretty bad night out for a date.
It’s just a hobby…
So, EVERYBODY here is a lesbian… that’s not helpful.
Ya know the French expression for an orgasm translates into, the little death…
NO, I didn’t realize!
It’s always great to see you.
You’re elusive.
Yeah, she’s sketchy. Who the hell turns in at 9pm on a Saturday night in NYC?!
Yeah, there’s something going on there.
I’m not really comfortable with that.
What do you do for fun?
No, I mean really.
Why am I here?
Why are we here?
Yes, I AM!
I was coming down with a stomach virus and getting light-headed!
Nah, this New Year’s I’m staying in, I need a break.
Jameson on the rocks, please!
Did I start this conversation… I don’t remember…
Somebody asked me how we’d met and I couldn’t for the life of me recall…
I’m glad I met you.
I love you, too.


Burying Caesar And Other Unavoidables

Life is funny. Funny like when you think things are going terrifically well and you receive a pleasant surprise… then you look at it more closely and realize it’s not pleasant at all. It’s just a surprise, and that maybe, just maybe, you were fooling yourself about how well things had been going all along. So now it’s an unpleasant surprise. Like that big ol’ vat of internal B.S. that powers us and keeps our egos on top of the world starts overflowing and we slowly disconnect from the reality of a situation and everything looks so grand and sweet… meanwhile things are what they are and they are going the way they go. Disaster lurks in that gap between perception and reality and the bigger the gap, the bigger the disaster. Mind the gap…

The question I put to you, dear reader, is: how do you prevent that happening or even catch yourself when you’re doing it? How do you reality check yourself? This is where having good friends can come in handy. A good friend will say you’re crazy and otherwise question whatever nonsense is streaming out of you. Acquaintances and strangers are much less reliable in that regard. They’ll let you bury yourself. They’re pretty much only interested in what you can do for them. Usually in a very short-term to mid range context. The converse is equally true. People who are only interested in what you can do for them or how you can make them feel right now are not your friends. And I’m not talking about one of those special times in life when your friends really need support, I mean on any day of the week that suits them.

Regularly I used to go through my mental list of new “friends” and sort them into people who I would do most anything to keep near me (thereby giving fair trade on the relationship and putting them in the Real Friends pile) and people who are just floating around me with agendas I don’t even partially appreciate. I’d like to think I’m getting better at filtering out the latter but every now and again I start skipping along in my own dream world and I leave that door open… only to wind up confused and disappointed. Again. I think of it as a repeat self-inflicted gun shot wound, “I really should’ve known better; this always happens!” but as many smarter than I have pointed out, control is an illusion and some days I’m gonna’ get tripped up.

Which brings me to a point I’m reminded of in my personal and professional life as well as, on a slightly grander scale, the country’s economy. At some point you’re going to fail. You can worry about it night and day you can close up all the loopholes and it’s still going to happen, just in a way you couldn’t predict. The key is to have systems for recovery in place so that you fail well. By which I mean being robust enough to take the blow, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take the time to acknowledge what went wrong and how you feel about it, and fix it if you can. If you can’t, eh, there’s nothing to do about it and there’s bound to be something else coming around the corner. Maybe something good… 🙂

Straight From The Files of… Craigslist

In searching on Craigslist I came across some oddball jobs. Seem to be some folks that want “little people” for the upcoming St. Patty’s day “events” among other things. I should mention I live in or adjacent to the NYC area, the perspective depends on where you’re from, as a result there’s also lot of gigs requiring people to have headshots. No, no, not just models and actors. Bartenders, Assistants, Caterer Trainees, you name it. It’s a very surface environment that way plus there are so many kids here vying for jobs that you can actually pick an attractive Harvard grad over an average looking one. There are also large media companies in NYC and and lots of stuff is getting produced here either out in the street or in a studio. I’m guessing the bulk of it is reality crap but the listing below still piqued my interest.

… is currently casting for 5 VERY specific character types to serve as walk on characters with NO speaking roles!!!!

Character #1
MALE or FEMALE, with a very tall MOHAWK hairstyle.

Character #2
MALE or FEMALE, SPOONMAN or SPOONWOMAN, must know how to play Spoons as an instrument.

Character #3
MALE, STUNT GUY who is a LITTLE PERSON, must be legitimately be 4ft 5 inches or shorter and be athletic.

Character #4

Character #5
MALE, ASIAN or a PACIFIC ISLANDER must be fat/obese, maybe have a sumo type of appearance.

If you meet these requirements please send your contact information and 2-3 photos to the email address above.

If you do not fit these character requirements please DO NOT reply, because you will be ignored!

Hmmm, I wonder what auditioning for this would be like…

“You call THAT a mohawk!?!?!?!? I’m looking for a solid foot of fin flying up there, hit the bricks, kid!”

“Ya know, you do have the spoons kid… and I hear ’em clanking away… you can stop now… but it’s not moving me… YOU CAN STOP NOW. I’m just not getting that Sound Of Music vibe.”

“Hey, what’s this kid doing here, was there a slot for a kid? Ah, hey… you’re certainly the littlest person I’ve seen today… what? I can’t pinch your cheeks? How do you feel about landing on things? What I mean is, I mean, how do you feel about being thrown? The landing part would follow, naturally… hey! I don’t think that’s called for little guy and I’ll just have to tell your momma… I’m kidding! Why can’t anyone take a joke anyymore? Where ya’ goin’!?!? Somebody grab that little guy, I like his moxie!”

“What’s up next… another bushy armpits? Ugh, I must’ve seen twenty today that were too curly, not spilling out right, It’s making me ill… this is for [well Known Music TV *ahem* company name here – ed.] and these kids need to bring their A game! Step into the light, honey, and raise ’em up… WOW! You could stand a pick in there! You’re hired!”

“Ok, show me some sumo… no, don’t just look at me blankly, put your hands on your knees and stamp your feet around like your smashing Tokyo! What’s that? …never been… well how do I freakin’ know what your motivation is? See this is the kind of sh*t that happens with these union kids, Marv! And who told him to where a thong?!?!”


Unrelated but interesting:

Are you in love with crispy fried chicken and constantly crave it? Is fried chicken your favorite comfort food? Are you aware of the dangers of fried foods but continue to eat them? Are you unable to resist the aroma and taste of fried foods? Do you want to learn a healthy alternative so you can fry your chicken and eat it too? If so, we want to hear your story…