Reflection – Need A Little

I read this post Black And Female: Destined To Be Single? and responded there. Typically I was left wondering why some folks are hell bent on throwing themselves into a minefield. Why, people, why!?!?

I think in this case the blogger is using her fiance to achieve the Holy Grail, a Relationship [cue the angelic chorus]. She doesn’t come across like she respects or appreciates him and even spells out she’s having a massive communication failure with him. Not saying he does or doesn’t deserve it, hell I don’t know the dude or how they are together, just saying she’s raising lots of big red flags yet still moving forward with him. I can’t believe they’re even engaged. Wow, just wow. 😦

7 thoughts on “Reflection – Need A Little

  1. Interesting read, though typical.

    “At 44 he’s dated a number of white women whom he’s found to be more nurturing, softer and a lot more understanding of his struggles as a black man than—wait for it—many black women. Yep, you heard right. I could have asked him why he thinks white women are so much more nurturing–considering so many black women raising their children. Instead, I asked my white girlfriend who has dated a lot of black men if it’s true, that even though we’re both ambitious and outspoken, that she’s so very different than I am.

    What she told me was surprising: She’d heard the same thing from a lot of the black guys she’d dated, but it seemed to her that many of these men weren’t interested in working very hard, either in the relationship or in general. It seemed to me that this was something they could get away with, with white women, but most black women just weren’t having it. Subsequently, this made us demanding, hard, and emasculating.”

    I may never understand how being a crabby, overly-demanding person hell-bent on getting her way regardless ALWAYS is interpreted by these chicks as being strong-willed and misunderstood, or if not misunderstood, put down for traits that they clearly don’t see as annoying and unnecessary.

    It’s really pretty simple. If she went out with a dude that every time he started a sentence when speaking to her, he’d kick her, she wouldn’t date him for very long.

    Similarly, guys don’t want to date chicks that are going to be confrontational. If guys wanted to fight with someone, they’d go to a boxing gym.

    It’s really funny how these chicks NEVER see that they’re being all about THEMSELVES instead of all about THEIR MAN, and nobody’s interested in that.

  2. Hiya Dan,
    I’m thinking by “these chicks”, Bill means what he says, “crabby, overly-demanding” women. Ya know, those chicks with ‘tude that think it’s your job, as a guy, to give them a reason to stop being combative, defensive, and short tempered else you don’t measure up. They’re frequently caricatured on television and movies. Or they used to be. If this type of woman is unfamiliar to you, thank your lucky stars. THEY are NOT pleasant people at the core who are being misunderstood. Possibly the woman that wrote that post falls into this category. Also, instead of looking at herself first for why she can’t find a decent man she is blaming someone else. She needs to go look in the mirror, maybe, which is why I titled this “Reflection – Need a Little”.

    At some other time I’ll tell you all about how I got cussed out AT LENGTH in a shoe store for standing still and minding my own damn business. Oh yeah, my crime was being with a white woman. You can kinda see where I’m not going to be feeling much sympathy, right?

    Truth be told, and of great relevance, the only times I ever had a problem with a relationship due to differences of race was not from white people. To be clear, I mean people that are olive, yellow, and pink skinned whose origins are predominately from Western and Eastern Europe. So please don’t ask me what I mean by “white people”. I didn’t make that one up. I can’t say for sure but I don’t think Bill means every black woman in the tri-state area, we are talking about the blog poster and whether she is that particular kind of person.

    Hell, she’s using an unsuitable dude to achieve her goal of an ideal relationship, marriage. Unsuitable. Unsuitable. Bad Fit. They can’t even communicate well on a DAILY basis yet they are engaged! I’m not saying that’s a new one, chicks have been using dudes to pursue their needs for ages and vice versa – that’s just how it goes, but instead of pursuing a marriage why can’t she find someone she has fun with and can get along with? And for gods sake, why would she limit herself to Brooklyn? That ain’t Little House On The Prairie land. If she does well with corporate type dudes maybe she should be wherever it is they live instead. From a density perspective I’m not seeing that as Brooklyn. All the corporate types I know live in Manhattan and I’m sure 2 or 3 of them out of a thousand are not hardcore players… but I digress.

    We’re all guessing here. 🙂

    Anyway, what kind of woman attracts a man that she struggles to communicate with on a daily basis and then wants him to marry her? What kind of woman has to settle for that? I think she needs to see through her own delusions and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t care how strong or how black anybody’s momma is, we’re all responsible for continuing our growth as adults.

    She states it badly here:
    “So how can I be strong and independent but still cater to my man’s sense of himself? The answer: find a man with a strong enough sense of himself, so I don’t have to change into who he thinks I should be. What we black women need is for our black men to love us for who we are and not put us down for what we’re not. After all, it was the same strong, independent type of black woman who’d successfully raised many of our black men, and often alone. And what we black women need to do is to be strong enough to be soft and loving first, not to make our black men “earn our trust” but to give it willingly, even if we put ourselves in hurt’s way.”
    Ignoring the non-sequitor of sentence 2 (strong and weak charactered men may want you to change) and the conundrum of 4 (do single, strong, black, women even raise the kind of men that she wants?), I agree – there is little chance anyone will receive tenderness until they step up to the risk and become the kind of person that can give it. 🙂

  3. I have so many thoughts (going in so many different directions/tangents) but will try to contain and make simple. First (I myself am not black) I have dated/hook’d up with/hung out with quite a few Black females and one of the first comments/conversations was always a form of “im not one of your Spanish mommies who gonna sit here and act like you all that, blahblahblah…”. Is it me or are they just having a problem with any female who is not Black?? growing up in Harlem I have seen my share of week women, strong women AND that observation is not color/nationality specific.
    Instead of making it a “you better go f*ck wit’ one of them white chicks who gonnalet you do whatever”, why not just look in the mirror and ask yourself, “why am I settling for the SAME type of guy all the time??”

    My personal observation: many of these strong, independent, back bone having females actually suffer from some form of insecurity that forces them to continually pick men that will come up short in comparison to themselves.

    (I actually had this conversation with a friend of mine. When looking at her history she was one who NEVER picked an equal in terms of dependance, financials, stability. It was always the broke dude who lived with his mom. Finally one day I got tired of all her whining and put her on to what I thought was her problem, her inability to deal with an equal and therfore have to give up her ability to speak/demand from a point of superiority.)

  4. “…some form of insecurity that forces them to continually pick men that will come up short in comparison to themselves”. Possibly, they’re not looking for a challenge, an equal. They’re looking for control and power and they don’t have room or time for someone or something that’s going to introduce self-doubt and shake up their snowglobe. People like that tend to upset them. Hence the shields up, offensive, defensiveness. So who do they get instead, bums, dudes pulling a long run game, dudes just giving them lip service => Dudes That Flake. Maybe even some guys that are trying to give them a chance (or treating them like a fixer-upper) who get driven to flaking on ’em. Kinda’ becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I could be wrong…

    …but to continue the thought:

    It’s like they’re running in survival mode when it comes to relating to others… hmmm… but are they reacting to their own experience of being hurt, or have they just been taught that this is the way to avoid being hurt? I guess that’s my real problem: it’s one thing to be legitimately defensive and maybe overreact when you’ve been wronged and smell the same setup. It’s another to be that way for no discernible reason other than to keep people away lest you actually have to experience something real and grow.

  5. A woman’s perspective is totally missing here. A bit unfair/harsh, no? I happen to represent both brown and yellow chics depending on how others see me. ;p…
    Everyone has their experiences and preferences from what they’ve grown up with and experienced independent of their own parents relationshps. The author of the posting isn’t the only woman who seems frustrated with men from her own culture/community. There are so many factors that make one have a relationship with someone from their own backgrounds yet feel rebellious and pursue someone outside of their own race/religion/culture as well. I remember my dear father use to say, men of his culture date around but when it came to settling down they’d seek out their own to settle down with. That makes it the wife/girlfriend for show or the woman who makes your heart skip a beat and drives you crazy with lust/passion. Basically, everyone needs to be true to themselves. If you like your own backgrounds, make sure your lover/fiance/partner/beau does too and enough time to make sure that’s the case. So many options/opportunities for both sides to be true to their hearts. Is there really one person out there for each of us? Opening up options outside of our community keeps it interesting, fun and new. The numbers open up in possibilities to connect with more matches. Generalizations are dangerous. We all have unique stories and experiences that brought us to where we all are. It’s important to let hurts/disappointments from bad experiences go and be ready for when a great person comes along.

  6. “I remember my dear father use to say, men of his culture date around but when it came to settling down they’d seek out their own to settle down with”

    I dont care what background you are, ALL races have men (and women) that cheat. All men will cheat or LOVINGLY DATE woman of other races. It just is what it is. My problem with my experinces and my friends who I talked about in my response is that the black female (and my best friend is black) will use the “other color” chick as an excuse as to why they cant find a good man but never address their decisions to date the bad boy on the block who still lives with mommy and has his car and cell phone bill under her name.

    I have dated latino woman scream bloody murder but NEVER say go do that with a WHITE woman. I dated a white chick who NEVER used my race when demanding/expecting during a conversation or argument. BUT (and this is personal observation based on REAL LIFE PERSONAL dealings) the black woman I have dated have almost all (maybe one out group didn’t) used the latino angle (I’m not your mami) or white (you must think I’m as stupid as them)… WHY??

    Like with my friend, she was attracted to a very well polished and very good looking black dude BUT the conversation always ended with “but he is not my type”! So because he had a decent job, had his own bills and place he wasnt as attractive as the bum broke dude who could call her 20x a day from his moms phone? Of course the bum broke dude can sweat you-HE HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO!!!!! Funnier still, I have witnessed her dating EMPLOYED White Guys who had nothing in common with her but somehow those were her type.

    So, in short… Im just attempting to expalin my comments and how they applied to my real life situations. If you have a problem with how Im engaged in our relationship, address my perceived short comings factually DON’T insult my intelligence by making racially tinged comments that imply that you arent as stoooooopid as the other woman. Simply, if you picked me and you feel the need to say it like that, doesnt that in fact make you stupid?? Just asking.

    As for the cheating… Dude(ette) could be a Martian if the right looking human walks by… ITS ON.

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